A letter to my Mother in Heaven
9,125 days of missing you
It’s been 25 years since my mom passed away. I was 14 years old and just ending middle school. Some days it feels like a lifetime has gone by and other times it feels like just yesterday. I’m not always great about talking about my own feelings, but this milestone feels monumental. I felt the need to process and share, so I wrote her a little letter. Here’s to you Mama, on your 25th anniversary in Heaven. I love you endlessly.
Dear Mom,
Today marks twenty five years since you’ve been gone. I really can’t wrap my head around how long it’s been without you. I did the math and that’s 9,125 days of missing you. Not one single day has passed that I haven’t thought of you. People say that it gets easier with time, and I would agree that the ache becomes less intense, although it hurts differently during different stages of your life and I wasn't prepared for that.
I miss your smile the most.
I miss the smell of your perfume when you were going out.
I miss how easy you were to scare.
I miss how you were the Matriarch of holidays and the glue to the family.
I miss cuddling and watching 90’s comedies on a Friday night.
I miss your costume jewelry, crafts, and Avon samples galore.
I miss all the teenage years that I never got to have.
The ache of losing you is immeasurable. You will never know how many lives have been incomplete since you’ve left. I can only hope to leave such a mark on this world when it’s my time to go and I pray that you were aware of your importance when you were here. There is something about losing a mother that changes the blueprint of your soul. There is a permanent hole and I will never remember who I was before you left. I’m a little broken, a little guarded, but I think I love deeper because of it. Or so I hope.
Some days I smile at your memory or a Willie Nelson song. Somedays I drive to the cemetery and have a good cry which I’m sure you’re aware of. Somedays I feel your presence and sense that you’re not gone, just in another room - but not a day passes that I don’t miss you.
There are a million poems I could quote to let you know how much you are missed but I know you always liked when I wrote my own stories so I’ll tell you a few things since you’ve been gone.
When I was in 9th grade I wrote a poem about you and my teacher read it out loud to the class. It shredded me to pieces, hearing my ache exposed to my peers, so much so that I stopped writing that year. It took me twenty years to find my passion to write again and since then I’ve started a blog and become a best selling author. I’m grateful for your support and encouragement to write when I was young. I wish you were here today to hold those books in your hand. I long to see the pride in your eyes…
I would tell you that your grandchildren are 9 and 11 now. We say one has Baldwin blood and you would know what that means! Will and your Dad have the same birthday, November 13th, and I can't help but think that’s not a coincidence. The kids are growing so fast I can’t keep up. They are witty, kind, and curious. We talk about you often, say thank you when we see rainbows and butterflies, and bring you purple flowers on your birthday. You would love these kids an insane amount and hug them endlessly. No one hugs them like you would. I hate that you missed out on seeing these babies, they are my pride and joy.
I would tell you that your boys are all ok. They are the kind of broken that you would expect but that’s because you are irreplaceable and you were their world. They are strong and well.
We would tell you there has been tremendous loss in our family, but you know this and I imagine you greeted them with open arms each time. Hopefully smiling down, guiding and guarding us still here on Earth as we try to figure out the point and our purpose of it all. Please give Dad all my love. Give Dickie a pack of Camels just because. And give sweet Sara a hug and let her know I think she’s magical.
I’ve been told I’m like you, and I take that as the best complement of all times. I’d tell you a million more things but I’d trade it all for one more hug.
50 years on Earth. 25 years gone. Everyday missing you.
Until we meet again
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO