Inner Strength: Reflections from an 8 year old
Today my 8 year old told me he was transgender. Just like that, matter of fact, cuddled up on the couch as we were talking about our favorite colors. Now don’t get me wrong, this was not a surprise, AT ALL. However, it was the first time that he said it without hesitation in front of his brother and owned it proudly. I was slightly surprised he knew the official name for it, although we had talked about it many times before as he has been questioning his gender since he was 3 years old.
It started with him wanting to look up the pride flag because he wanted to know the order of the colors so he could draw it. Earlier that morning we learned that Google was running a contest for children to design a logo for the day. The topic was inner strength. This of course prompted us into a brainstorming session on what it meant to be strong on the inside. We talked about things like having will power, having a positive attitude and being confident in yourself. Then my wide eyed Gavin belted out that he knew exactly what he was going to draw. “Mommy, inner strength is standing up for someone who is different and isn’t being treated fairly.”
Bam. Hell yes it is!
So we are googling pride flags (he is well aware that he identifies with the rainbow flag), and we learn that there are so many more inclusive flags. Which prompted the conversation of Gavin stating he’s either trans or non-binary. “Mostly I’m a boy that feels like I should have been born a girl. Sometimes I’m ok with being a boy but I would still choose girl things if I knew people wouldn’t laugh. I feel like my hair represents how I feel on the inside.” For reference, his hair is shaved on the right and long on the left. I found this to be insightful.
Image shared from The Book Table
In re-telling the story to my husband, he chuckled and said, “That’s so cool.”
I was speechless for a second. It is cool. It is so freaking cool that Gavin is ours and he can shine his (or her) light so bright because we - all of us - are allowing him to be exactly who he wants to be. If only we could all be so brave. Because isn’t that what the world actually needs more of? Not more transgender kids, but people who feel free to be seen just as they are? People with inner strength, strength of the soul, who know exactly who they are yet don’t have to worry about others judging them?
I have this argument/conversation a lot, mostly with people in our closest circles... Isn’t he too young to make this decision? Do you think you are making him gay because you let him play with girl toys? Don’t you think this is just a phase?
I always take a gigantic breath and try my very hardest to be graceful and polite with my answers. In order: Gavin is young, however, he has been telling me since he was old enough to talk that he has a boy body and a girl brain. He has an older brother so the house was chuck full of trucks, blocks, planes, trains and all things blue; and yet he has always only wanted all things shiny, sparkly, twirly, feminine and pink. Even as a gender born girl myself, I did not like these things! Do I think we can make people gay by giving them choices? Um….. NO. No, I don’t at all think that people choose to be gay, straight or bi.
I think we are born exactly as we were meant to be. We are who we are and we love who we love. The end. Do I think this is a phase? Also no. I won’t lie.. In the very early stages (talking like 4 and 5 years old) when he was not yet keen to societal standards and he wanted to wear dresses everywhere, I had the thought it may be just a phase or maybe he was ‘just’ gay, not transgender. How much easier would our lives be if he was ‘just’ gay - even saying that feels unfair, but honestly it seems easier and more accepted that loving the same gender versus wishing you were another would be somehow better. But, not the case. My spunky, wise, gentle soul Gavin wants to be a girl. He also wants to be a dancer, hairdresser, and fashion designer, but that’s besides the point.
I am acutely aware of the challenges that we face and utterly saddened by the statistics of depression, anxiety and suicide that the LGBTQ+ community face. This is incredibly hard. But what is also hard is hiding who we are meant to be. Sheltering instead of shining. Conforming instead of being true to our authentic selves. We make change by sharing our stories; one by one.
This conversation started and ended with celebrating color and inclusion. Gender fluid, gender non-conforming, straight, bi, trans, whatever…. We see you all. If you are authentic you are beautiful NO MATTER WHAT.
Publishing this makes me break out in hives and feel so incredibly vulnerable, but I’ve been here before and I know that if this changes just one person's view, then it was entirely worth it. I’ll spare the details of the countless times holding him as he experiences panic attacks over what to wear and whether or not it feels safe to wear pink or his hair in a ponytail; but as you can imagine, the struggle is real. The more stories that are shared, the less different our children will feel and more accepting the world will be.
Today my 8 year old told me he is transgender. I am not surprised, but I am a Mom, so I am fearful and protective, and proud and grateful all in one.
“We are all the leaves of one tree. We are all the waves of one sea.”