6 Signs You’re a People Pleaser (And Ways to Break the Habit)
Are You Just Nice, Or Are You a People Pleaser?
Do you constantly feel like you are running around taking care of others but can’t find time to care for yourself? Are you someone who replays conversations in your head, ruminating over whether or not you said the right thing or hurt someone's feelings?
People pleasing can stem from the belief that if you do for others, you will receive love in return.
People-pleasing runs much deeper than ordinary politeness or niceness. It is a cute-sounding name for an addictive behavioral pattern wherein you feel controlled by your need to receive approval from others and make them happy. People pleasers are skilled at hiding their true feelings and avoiding difficult emotions; they almost become a chameleon to blend in with their surroundings and ensure they’ll be welcomed and liked. Driven by the belief that being nice will protect them from rejection, people with these tendencies find it hard to say no and measure their worth by what they can offer others.
A people pleaser places too much importance on making others happy and devotes very little time to caring for themselves.
You may not even know that it’s affecting you because this deep-rooted tendency to please has been there for so long that you don’t even notice you are stretching yourself thin. After all, isn’t being nice a good thing?! Well of course, however, constant people-pleasing can drain your well-being and leave you feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
If you’re on the fence and not sure if you’re a people pleaser, read on for 6 common people-pleasing signs and how to break the habit.
1.You feel guilty saying ‘No’
Does the thought of saying no to someone make your stomach tie in knots? Are you typically the person that everyone in your social circle can count on? People pleasers want to be seen as easy going and not cause conflict to avoid the discomfort of seeing someone upset.
2. You feel responsible for the happiness of others
If you grew up in an environment where you had to walk on eggshells or keep the peace, you may have a deep-rooted belief that you are responsible for making others happy. Your goal is to ensure everyone around you is cared for and not upset. While this is admirable, it actually stems from the fear of negative emotions.
3. You have difficulty speaking up
One of the most difficult things for a people pleaser is to share their own thoughts and feelings. Scared of saying the wrong thing or rocking the boat, the tendency is to keep the peace and remain silent. If you have spent much of your life staying quiet or playing small, it may feel threatening to voice your opinion or assert your ideas. Positive self talk or repeating affirmations that your voice matters is a baby step for learning to speak up.
4. You overly value what others think of you
Do you rely heavily on other people’s opinions versus trusting your own intuition? If you find yourself changing your views to fit in, or morphing into the crowd that you are currently hanging out with, you may be placing too much value on what others think of you. Stemming from a fear of rejection, this common trait can leave you hypervigilant of how others perceive you and acting how you think others want you to be versus who you really are. Exhausting to say the least!
5. You have difficulty accepting help
Are you skilled at giving and doing for others but not so great at asking for help? I bet you have a hard time delegating, too. You may find it difficult to ask for help because sharing your hardships or asking for help feels like you are burdening others. People pleasers also tend to measure their worth by how much they help others and are not used to being on the receiving end.
6. You apologize often
Whether you over apologize or fear other people blaming you, frequent apologizing is a sign of people pleasing. You feel as though you have done something wrong just by existing or taking up space, so you own things you don’t need to.
Ways to Break the Habit
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries help us protect our time, peace, and energy. Establish healthy boundaries by knowing your limits and practicing communicating them. Think about how you want to be spending your time and what your goals are. Being clear about your priorities will help you decide what is worth your precious energy.
I love this reminder - the people who get mad at you for setting a boundary are usually the people who benefited from you not having one.
Remember that ‘No’ is a complete sentence
You are entitled to say no without offering an explanation. People pleasers have a distorted view that saying no to someone makes them self-centered or mean. This is a false belief. As a recovering people pleaser, I sometimes feel the need to over-explain myself and offer an extensive reason why I can’t do what someone asks. It is a skill to say no and break your automatic habit of saying yes. If this feels too harsh, develop a catchphrase like, “I’d love to but I can’t,” or “Thanks so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I can’t this time.” The more you practice these phrases, the more successful and confident you will be when it’s needed.
Get to know your authentic self
No more being a chameleon. People pleasers are so used to trying to fit in that they lose themselves along the way. How do you feel? What do you want to spend your time doing? If you’re not sure what your interests are, think back to childhood. What did you enjoy doing for fun? What could you do for hours on end and lose yourself in? In the long run, being your authentic self will attract your tribe. Remember that belonging and fitting in are two different things. Fitting in is changing yourself to feel accepted, whereas belonging is feeling accepted for who you already are (which can only happen when you show up one hundred percent you)!
Remember self care
How much time do you devote to your own selfcare? It may be an overused statement, but I’m going to say it. “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Practicing self care and prioritizing your wellness is essential for your happiness. Plus, you cannot effectively help others if you are deprived and exhausted. Fill your cup by making time for exercise, meditation, scheduling time with friends, or whatever else lifts you up. Gifting yourself these restorative experiences is not selfish, it’s healthy, and it doesn’t have to be earned.
Stop apologizing
Is saying ‘sorry’ your automatic default response? It is wonderful to apologize if you have truly done something wrong, however, I bet you say sorry when it’s not warranted. We tend to think that speaking without being spoken to first, taking up space, or disagreeing warrants an apology, but it doesn’t! If you accidentally bump into someone, try saying excuse me instead. Over-apologizing undermines your interactions and takes a toll on your self-worth.
Get a coach or therapist
Whether it’s struggling to speak up, morphing into a more ‘acceptable’ version of yourself, or suffering from burnout because you can’t say no, you are not alone, and there is hope. As in any recovery program, the first step is self-reflection and admitting there is a problem. It's seeing that your actions are born from habit, a pattern you can change. Breaking the engrained pattern of people pleasing is not easy, especially if it’s rooted in past trauma or childhood conditioning. Finding a skilled therapist or hiring a coach can help you first recognize the habit, then learn strategies to help reinforce your new way of being.
Change doesn’t mean you'll go from being Sweet Susie to Narcissistic Nancy. And it doesn’t mean that you won’t be nice anymore. It means you can tap into your needs and wants, have a better relationship with yourself, and not fear speaking up when someone crosses a boundary.
Your responsibility is to cultivate a better relationship with yourself. The more you practice setting boundaries and putting yourself first, the easier it will get! A pleasant side effect will be gaining more time, peace, and confidence.
“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
- Robert Holden
P.S. If this resonates and you need more information on breaking the people pleasing habit - I got you! I wrote a whole freaking book on over coming people pleasing and creating more confidence. Check it out here or buy it on Amazon!